confession 3- accepting singlehood

god... with heights of emotions,.,. and guts of moment.. i hearby declare .. that im definitely gonna die single......when relationship was an option , i wasnt ready.. and now when i am, there are no men..... I cant bring myself to find someone.. as if its a pair of shoes...despite being told find go out .. where the f*^k do i go out .. here.. in the middle of nowhere? even when i was in a palce where i did.. i still didnt see it coming... whats wrong with me?im sick of it.. im sick of facing it.. im sick of keeping a straight... the way things are going ill definitely turn sick................

sleepless yet again...

Its fun to get back to your work... completes you, keeps you on your toes... and shapes you.. believe it or not..sometimes what you run away from might be destined to meet at the most unlikely corner... After spending almost a whole day and night on todays poa... phew! im exhausted... but yes satisfied... happy with a decision to face and overcome these fears... elated to conquer some , accept some and embrace others... the only problem is Im ending up thinking of work the minute i land in my bed.. heck am i actually having work as a partner now????strage but true... is hard working replacing something thats lacking... mmm a thought to ponder over for a few days... some say dont do too much, look busy, show lesser productivity and take more time... yet diplomacy win.,. maybe i have an unrealistic approach .. i would let work speak, initiatives and poviding help to others be a lesson for learning and gathering more knowledge and having a good mix of diplomacy yet sgtrong beliefs,.. its not just about voicing your opinion.. its about voicing it to the right person at the right time... sigh! this post truly reflects that gtangy;s back to the grind... ;p... but yes ive loved writing.. writing anonymously... writing like a free bird.. no one to question no one to think about... just expression just emotions carefully threadied in tangled webs:)

thats me in a corner:)

the unsaid words...

Sometimes words are the outlet but unfortunately they dont reach the source... what/who/why question arises when the blame game begins... and this game is between your mind, soul, heart and the words that reach your mouth... my education in psychology enhances my knowledge about verbal and non verbal language.. trains me to experiment, understand and study human behaviour.. but alas.. what about studying the reasons that makes the moment, that influences the decisions, the circumstances or even the surroundings... if this could pass off as another revelation then so be it... yes im attempting a love letter.. by someone who doesnt believe in it...and yet someone who has felt it and lived every bit of it... maybe this is a transition..maybe this is a compilation.. or maybe maybe maybe its an attempt at capturing a moment... so here goes...


My dear beloved......oh my god im so lame at this.... still a virgin at penning love thoughts;p.;p;p.. well first time's the best;p, hopefully..haa ive left sex and the city's episode to write this .. this better be worth it;p..


phew!!!!!! here goes


when i look at your eyes ... i see something hidden.. could i be in sync with my mind saying that maybe its completely over and we've moved on to another comfort zone.. or is the heart right... saying that there are certain words that were just released in sighs.. slight hidden dimples... a crooked smile;p... well maybe i rather escape to a self created fantasy.. where the latter wins over... but yes thats what i believe in,... something still holds me back.. yet practicality sets in.... but then what is this practicality .. is it following the heart and trusting the instinct and enjoying the wait and watch... or on a completely negative result... clinging on to a hopeless hope... but then im a fool in love.. there's no negative i see in you...


my forbidden fantasy or a more politically correct term is this...


you: ( with a twinkle just near the conjunction  with those expressive eyes.). im trying not to... i shouldn't ... maybe i could.. maybe thats not the right word but then what is it....'


me: i know.. i understand.. if a relationship is what i call it.. ive learnt it the hard way.. not to compare ..not to expect it to be a traditional or even a conventional one... just be ours.. where time joins us, separates us, loves us, hates us.. yet doesnt let each other go...but then i need a sign


you: giving a sign would not be justified.. confessing would leave a pain ... these tears will dry away baby... atleast they might not become the permanent ones..


me: why do you think its permanent? or will be? why do feel it wont when we havent given it a shot...
why do you pre- assume.. if there's such a word..


you: because i know it.. things will come when time is right.. things will flourish when they have to.. i can develop things i can control...... not this... its not ...whats in my hands


me: what is in your hands.. how do know how tomorrow will be... how will you know what can be controlled.. what is holding you back


you: maybe its all your imagination.. maybe you havent realised there's nothing more... maybe like you described this is your fantasy.. you can write and assume what you want .. and maybe your not even on my agenda...


me: ive thought that.. but deep down i know there's a feeling ... its not being stupid its not being irrational.. yes its a gut feeling but its more than that... i can wait... how i do not know ... till when i do not know.. but i believe there is an 'us'..im no longer concerned with when .. i want to enjoy this moment with you... for a change i want to let go.. expose my vulnerable side ... be with you... take that chance... everytime i stop myself from writing or saying your name... there's hope there's joy there's love... i cant be that foolish can i..


you: what do you want? why cant you be sensible


me: dont you ever think i want to be sensible.. maybe this is the sensibility in me.. im not clinging.. i just want to feel whats in your mind and heart.. maybe your not confused and maybe im completely wrong.. but if im right im there for you... ive loved you... i will always do... i dont want to change you .. i just want to cherish being with you this moment... i need to complete this conversation... i need you to complete me.. even if it take years or an entire lifetime.... i need you.. please let me say these things for the last time... please let me confess in you...................

heck.. is it you again????????

they say revisiting is not good.. reliving is a silent death.. eating up every moment, every bit of feeling left... did i make the wrong choice... then ..why does it come back ...maybe ..oh wait.. i confess living in a cocoon called illusion.. hoping not wait not hoping.. actually believing that i wasnt wrong... and this time its not just well the fact .. sigh i just cant reveal it.. the heart doesnt let me.. actually its the mind;p.... the heart wud hv probably made the situation worse..

maybe this is a modern love story... a pursuit of purpose and a feeling when all practicality indicates no scope.. no future.. no love.. but well its my dream its my feeling its my love... its about me... this is what i love not only desire... this is it...............maybe im a fool .. but a fool i rather be than adorning a mask of busy-ness;p.. hahaaaa// thats an original.. but yes you get one life to live....and im enjoying capturing every moment in my cocoon of feelings, emotions and releasing the rays via simple words:)

untitled

surprisingly i move on to the untitled phase...
from unwritten to untitled???.. well thats the first of its kind.. damn im so moody... and as usual dont know the reason why:(...wish i could just pause the moment.. but hey is it worth pausing?
wish i could just live the moment... yes thats the key.. but the problem is how??? like Oogway (Kung Fu Panda) once said...
..
'Your mind is like this water my friend. When it is agitated, it becomes difficult to see. But if you allow it to settle, the answer becomes clear'

Its true... the mind wants everything or does it really... it behaves irrationally rational.. calmly restless... focusing on what will be...

I need to start living the moment.. and making this moment a special one.. cherishing each breath, support, comfort, relationship , opportunity and dream.. i need to give it a chance.. and make use of the second chance i have... i accept making these hurdles and am guilty of not giving it my 100%.. but im also a day wiser a month later.. and year lost.. but yes if i dont make the mistake how will i know its repercussions.... i need to say it ..for the last time... but yes... i need this now

does it have to be written

mmmm is it destiny?
ive stopped believing in that...
thats when ive started enjoying the moment..
the moment with you...
seconds say the stories, minutes thread them together,.......
sometimes its the in between silence that works.......
you still make me smile..
a kind that no one can...
a pinch of ecstasy... a drop of charm.. a twinkle of freedom..
its such a special feeling
maybe when i reach that stage.. of looking back
and cherishing that moment...to get the spark right back into my aging eyes...
when you hold my hand... its not assurance i seek
its that second that i t to hold on to...
enjoy its warmth enjoy it being mine...
no one can take that away from me
or even that whiff of your left fragrance..that lingers on
or the silly accidental recordings that are left on my phone...
that I discover days later...
sometimes i laugh about it.. thinking where we've reached now...
without any commitment.. without any name to it...
the written hasnt been written yet...
and thats the beauty of it

thats the mystery... that i enjoy engulfing...
wish i could say some words there and then...
but its the lil wishes, the minute seconds i end up capturing...
leaving me breathless and well at a loss for saying it'

wish those 3 words would say it all..
but it cant... thats too cliche thats too quick...
i dont believe in them...
but hey i believe in you...
the instinct is right the moment says it all.. no matter how many battles need to be fought

ill remember it .... ill remember you:)

are we beyond the intoxicating blues?

that last bit of fragrance
lingering in your mouth..
a burnt out stubb
for some a turnoff?
mmm.. it lingers on lingers on
arousing the senses.. with the flake of gold
or was it a cut beyond description
and more importantly beyond tolerance...
damn it .. it lingers on linger on
that fear of touch ..
hoping it wont go beyond acceptance..
slittering towards acceptance
crawling in an embrace...
wait that hangover is still there..
the rottenness ..
i desire to accept
but the mind desires to withdraw
cant use the uselessness

cant accept the pleasure
its going rotten
its going away
its fading beyond reach
its empowering the past rendezvous
i try to acknowledge
i try to forgive
i try to enchant
yet the power kills the bait
the nutshell is vanishing
but the forgetness isnt
the hankering .. i worship
that what makes it magical
but at the same time deadly
it reaches out clasp
more like thorns
rather than the invigorating petals
beyond the
the intoxicating blues...
i seek
to fulfill and complete that drug there
heck its lost its purity
more importantly its depth
promise wont thread it
hopes wont glue
its the blues.. they need to show their loyalty
to complete the serpant's dance......................................

a memory...or is it something undefinable?

Mmmmm.. where do i begin.. listening to Sarah McLaughlin's 'In the arms of an angel'. Sometimes a song can truely describe a moment in life... but its not about re-living or re0visiiting that moment.. not about what went wrong? why it did happen? why is it still around? what needs to be completed? and many others what where why's... its the fact of accepting that its there.. the whole process of letting it go and well ...trying to imbibe that imperfection in life..

this may be a very confusing post to many... yes it might seem that ive totally got bonkers;p.. but well sometimes its the weirdness that describes life the best..... like the song says ' memories seep through my veins'.. it fills my heart with that emotion again.. says don't give up ..not yet.. but why not.. why is there ell i dont know is it hope or stupidity..... am i human anymore? do i feel that emotion or is this feeling so powerful that ive found it and well maybe didnt handle well..

today while going through Jim Morrison's quotes i came across a v.interesting line...

"That's what real love amounts to- letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending- performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act".- Jim Morrison

really made me thing or better made me strong enough to admit that it may be possible to feel this emotion in such times when its persona is constantly redefining.. and more importantly its becoming extinct.,.. ..maybe this way i feel your presence around.. saw ur pictures today as well as the ones that slap me back to reality.. yes i mean literally slapped me .. .. mademe things just for that moment what went wrong.. or am i the only one in a fool'sd paradise still...???they say actions speak louder than words... but how do it explain it to this... this thing that rushes through my veins, my heart and reaches my mind and sees a connection beyond explanation.. i may be a fool but yes, atleast im brave enough to accept that... im trying to find that peace tonight maybe by releasing and packaging this moment in a twister of words... i wish there was a better way to describe ones true emotion.. its so difficult .. one is so overwhelmed with the emotion that your at a loss for words... surprisingly.. when i read that line.. I actually made that analysis again.. why do u do it? maybe i think too much.. but well.. i dont know i see, feel , believe and accept that there are those hidden words, emotion there.. that say give it time.. but how can i gamble anymore.. i did .. i gave it time.. gave it that moment.. things well i know what did go wrong. was it meant to going wrong?.. i dont know i dont know i just dont know... is the second chance calling.. well technically its definitely not the second chance.. but was it that doesnt let me give up on it... no its definitely not.. thats its a strong emotion.. ive moved on.. maybe wiser and practically.. i do not see it going anywhere.. but what do i describe this calling... i see you.. see you drowning yourself... in that endless pit .. you may call it work.. i call it escapism.. what are you running from..??? its your life... but yes its mine too.. we cant have everything .. and its simply not fair to be like this... why baby?why... why callin you still fills my heart with tears and endless love.. and anger... why is it...?im trying to accept... but well... i dont where this would lead... i guess weirdness is what im in love with.. ?

Love these lyrics:)

Yesterday when you were young
Everything you needed done was done for you
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone, what can you do?

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

You know there will be days
When you're so tired
That you can't take another step
The night will have no stars
And you'll think you've gone as far
As you will ever get

You and me wak on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

And yeah, yeah, you go where you want to go
Yeah, yeah, be what you want to be
If you ever turn around, you'll see me

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
Yeah, you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now

Back to senses....?

Minutes ago...i finally managed to face my biggest fear till date... opening up to mum about my flaws.. acknowledging them and confessing to her.. its been very difficult for me to keep a strong persona.. a strength to fight all odds.. don't get me wrong.. there are no doubt millions of people in much worse scenario and my problem are so minute compared to what they are going through.. but still they are there.. and I'm fighting a battle to keep up the never give up attitude and strength to work out a solution.. surprisingly 'solution' has now emerged as a very subjective word...talking to maa made me brave enough to face them but also to accept them... but it was only when she accepted them was i taken aback.. not because as a mother she would give me her support but because for once I could feel her losing that faith in me.. its killed me completely ... hearing those words ' maybe our upbringing has failed to survival of the the fittest battle'... that was it.. that was the moment i felt what I have I done.... where did i go wrong.. was this a feeling she had held back so many years... to encourage me to follow my heart... and live my life.. have i really failed her?... Ok i admit Im really having a rough phase.. unable to see any light forget differentiating the light alone... but at this point I'm undoubtedly being selfish... its always about me .. always,,..,intentionally or unintentionally... but it is.... I'm not concerned with justifying this behaviour with seeing and stating many others indulge in this... Its only accepting it and embracing these faults in me......

There was a time when I used to work with 'I don't care a fuck' attitude.. pardon the abusive content... but thats how bluntly I felt...
Maa i haven't failed. I've just managed to lose the strength for a while.. sometimes i really cant keep a brave face.,.. and i do breakdown... but that does not mean I've regretted anything... I enjoy what I do.. its the multi-tasking that kills me...I want my own space.. that is my priority... Im not sorry for anything... Its not sympathy I seek... I haven't been brought up .ill fight the tough way ....heck even if it kills me.. my talent is my strength... my patience my solitude... my writing my expression... my tears my emotional release...

My kid sister's was telling me that why am I even bothered about anything or anyone else .. is what made me realise that's the 90% of the problem... which unconsciously was troubling me.. that expectation to receive support .. when ur done away with it.. it feels so free... being on your own.. surprisingly I've never depended on anyone till I came here.. and here it was very unintentional though i was looking for someone to provide that emotional support... ultimately your are your own best friend.. only you can talk sense into urself... and sometimes being selfish does pay... its done till date .,. only when i started being the giving sorts did it backfire... now no more... my priorities are the most important thing right now.. i haven't failed her till date and yes ive made mistakes been stupid and unpractical.. but hey I've never hurt or stepped on anyone... that's my achievement....

I am a slow learner.. but I am a learner not an escapist... I need to stick to that...:)... Few people who made me realise the potential in me... have made me come in sync with things I thought Ill never be able to do... And I guess that never say die attitude is what I owe to myself and them as well...... Time is the matter... just give it time.. and lots of patience:)

love.... being ironic

Just when i decided to fight back mood swings... reality started hitting me ;p... some may agree many wont but mood swings does indicate things or words held back subconsciously waiting in hope to be released from the treacherous barriers of the 'societal bliss'... anyways im wanderin off again...

today i feel happy.. realizing as well finally accepting that... there was an emotion i felt dead.. copule of years back...,in mortal terms - unconditional love... no i dont mean that i felt it didnt exist but yes i started believing i could never love with the same passion... fearlessness and with no restrictions... most importantly knowing that it may be one sided... this note will be a very dear one to me... for those who survive it... and happen to gets hints about what possible aspect of my life am i writing... well keep those thought.. dont ask me ever.. and thats a warning... this will never unfold.. from the 'horse's mouth' .. i might end up confusing you yet not confusing;p... for i have a tendency to wear masks all the time... very few are acquainted mind you acquainted not befriended the real me... the darkness and the honesty is too much to handle... as well as the purity of innocence and the devilish pursuits.. they all form the 'me' ...

bottom line.. dont ask me who , what , where... you will never know who it is... that emotion is for someone who forms a significant part of my life.. yet hides in various persona's ive shared a few preciously beautiful moments...

but its a beautiful feeling... its filled my heart back with 'a heart';p... something i felt was injured and a big black hole was the only indicator.. but yes its healed.. and doing quite well now... my carefreeness is coming back... i can feel those butterflies yet again... i can feel that love and more importantly the ability to love back.. sigh im so proud of myself.. able to write that word .. dat old devilish word called love again.. i can feel my mind buzzing with the tune and lyrics of Alison Moyet's That Ole devil called love again'.,,, damn im just gonna paste the lyrics here.. truely describe my feelings at this point of time...

It's that ole devil called love again
Gets behind me and keeps giving me that shove again
Putting rain in my eyes, tears in my dreams
And rocks in my heart
It's that sly old son of a gun again
He keeps telling me I'm the lucky one again
But I still have that rain
Still have those tears
And those rocks on my heart

S'pose I didn't stay
Run away wouldn't play
The devil what a potion he would brew
He'd follow me round
Bill me up
Tear me down
Till I'll be so bewildered
I wouldn't know what to do

Might as well give up that fight again
I know darn well he'll convince me that he's right again
When he sings that sorry song
I've just gotta tag along
With that ole devil called love

He'd follow me round
Bill me up
Tear me down
Till I'll be so bewildered
I wouldn't know what to do

Might as well give up that fight again
I know darn well he'll convince me that he's right again
When he sings that sorry song
I've just gotta tag along
With that ole devil called love

With that ole devil called love
.....so true.. simplifying my situation now... but trust me i thank for i have tasted this rare poison yet again and that too in a lifetime...

ive loved yet again... and let go;.... and thats been a healing for me... never accepted it ,, never confessed it... but i know he knows... it just its not meant for this point of time.. i do not know if it ever will be acknowledge, accepted or said... but im happy in this state... no i dont year for illusion ,.. its the birth of the feeling, and the enriching brightness that this feeling is getting on to me.. yes im being practical with love... you know it,.. you feel it you move on... not letting it haunt you but enjoying its presence for this moment:)...this definitely doesnt end here.. and i dont want to give away the mystery ............not yet...;p

Is passion enough...

After a 5 minute session of scraping the last bit of chole chaawal prepared by yours truely;p... I manage to gather the courage to romance the keys on my decaying lappy ( well not that old... considering its survived me;p.......

Ahh what a view... that's the thought first thing and the last thing on my mind ever since i shifted into my new room this month... being on the 19th floor it captures the warm and diverse city of Melbourne and the nearby suburbs... unlike the perfection of Scottsdale .. its the flaws in Melbourne that make it the most liveable city... whether its graffiti or the silence of crowded trains....the drugged fridays or the lively sporty saturdays... everything.. its become my home now... :)

Here i realised that learning and re-learning is a never ending process... the relations that you choose will last forever ... and friendship is truly what provides that power and courage to survive the freak weather around.. oun intended;p...

But most importantly Its provided me the hope and the support to discover and pursue a passion which a year ago I could never have thought would become the 'lakshya' of my life....the more i research.. the more contended my heart is that this is what i would want to do till me last breath .... thus spoke a tightly packed and shelved feeling called passion...

But is passion enough?... well it works for me... gives me hope, strength, the light for shinning and surviving the toughest days... and yes i have days when the only energy i have is to say gudnight and crash;p... its taught me.. that the mind is at peace when there are no thoughts harassing it... and the ability to be blank works for developing a focus and enjoy the journey towards ones aim... its passion that makes me go every day at work knowing Im earning enough to go to safeway and pick groceries and stil manage to argue with sam on why we should shop at safeway and not coles.. though she's always right and manages to ignore my irrational requests;p...anyways im drfting away from the focus.. but thats what passion is.. finding life's treasures in every moment... every person..every feeling...its my yin yang...being a creative person ( oh well atleast attempting for that title... heeheee... and self-promotion is the best promotion ;p.) i can paint, write and create things only if i am in the mood... and physically and emotionally connect to it.. whether its capturing emotions in abtracts, poetic versions of surviving a heart break and discovering unconditional love.. or even looking at my son's (pluto.. i dont call him my pet .. he's my son:))... when i reached home after a gap of 10 months... ( i just counted the months on finger tips.. letting out my biggest weakness ... maths;p)... the longing and the happiness in his pawy hugs and customised 'patent pending' barks:).. made me special...that how one takes a lot of thinsg for granted... my lil one crystal's.. ( my mini daschund) crazy circling around the room , licks and folowing me every where demeanor shows that yes.. unconditional love truely exists... its your belief and passion that keep it alive...

Recently a very close friend.. aka my soul sister... lost a very special someone in her life... at a very young age... her words could not express her feeling for her feline friend or better child... but her tears... and ability to come to terms with the loss is what created that passion to accept that he is now in a happier place:)... and will always be loved....

Passion is something which cannot be written or expressed... its so special and unique that it shapes according to a person, a creature or any surviving organism... Follow it... romance it.. argue with it.. live it... and you will surely discover the meaning of life... and every breath:)..

Make the most of it