Love these lyrics:)

Yesterday when you were young
Everything you needed done was done for you
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone, what can you do?

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

You know there will be days
When you're so tired
That you can't take another step
The night will have no stars
And you'll think you've gone as far
As you will ever get

You and me wak on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

And yeah, yeah, you go where you want to go
Yeah, yeah, be what you want to be
If you ever turn around, you'll see me

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
Yeah, you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now

Back to senses....?

Minutes ago...i finally managed to face my biggest fear till date... opening up to mum about my flaws.. acknowledging them and confessing to her.. its been very difficult for me to keep a strong persona.. a strength to fight all odds.. don't get me wrong.. there are no doubt millions of people in much worse scenario and my problem are so minute compared to what they are going through.. but still they are there.. and I'm fighting a battle to keep up the never give up attitude and strength to work out a solution.. surprisingly 'solution' has now emerged as a very subjective word...talking to maa made me brave enough to face them but also to accept them... but it was only when she accepted them was i taken aback.. not because as a mother she would give me her support but because for once I could feel her losing that faith in me.. its killed me completely ... hearing those words ' maybe our upbringing has failed to survival of the the fittest battle'... that was it.. that was the moment i felt what I have I done.... where did i go wrong.. was this a feeling she had held back so many years... to encourage me to follow my heart... and live my life.. have i really failed her?... Ok i admit Im really having a rough phase.. unable to see any light forget differentiating the light alone... but at this point I'm undoubtedly being selfish... its always about me .. always,,..,intentionally or unintentionally... but it is.... I'm not concerned with justifying this behaviour with seeing and stating many others indulge in this... Its only accepting it and embracing these faults in me......

There was a time when I used to work with 'I don't care a fuck' attitude.. pardon the abusive content... but thats how bluntly I felt...
Maa i haven't failed. I've just managed to lose the strength for a while.. sometimes i really cant keep a brave face.,.. and i do breakdown... but that does not mean I've regretted anything... I enjoy what I do.. its the multi-tasking that kills me...I want my own space.. that is my priority... Im not sorry for anything... Its not sympathy I seek... I haven't been brought up .ill fight the tough way ....heck even if it kills me.. my talent is my strength... my patience my solitude... my writing my expression... my tears my emotional release...

My kid sister's was telling me that why am I even bothered about anything or anyone else .. is what made me realise that's the 90% of the problem... which unconsciously was troubling me.. that expectation to receive support .. when ur done away with it.. it feels so free... being on your own.. surprisingly I've never depended on anyone till I came here.. and here it was very unintentional though i was looking for someone to provide that emotional support... ultimately your are your own best friend.. only you can talk sense into urself... and sometimes being selfish does pay... its done till date .,. only when i started being the giving sorts did it backfire... now no more... my priorities are the most important thing right now.. i haven't failed her till date and yes ive made mistakes been stupid and unpractical.. but hey I've never hurt or stepped on anyone... that's my achievement....

I am a slow learner.. but I am a learner not an escapist... I need to stick to that...:)... Few people who made me realise the potential in me... have made me come in sync with things I thought Ill never be able to do... And I guess that never say die attitude is what I owe to myself and them as well...... Time is the matter... just give it time.. and lots of patience:)

love.... being ironic

Just when i decided to fight back mood swings... reality started hitting me ;p... some may agree many wont but mood swings does indicate things or words held back subconsciously waiting in hope to be released from the treacherous barriers of the 'societal bliss'... anyways im wanderin off again...

today i feel happy.. realizing as well finally accepting that... there was an emotion i felt dead.. copule of years back...,in mortal terms - unconditional love... no i dont mean that i felt it didnt exist but yes i started believing i could never love with the same passion... fearlessness and with no restrictions... most importantly knowing that it may be one sided... this note will be a very dear one to me... for those who survive it... and happen to gets hints about what possible aspect of my life am i writing... well keep those thought.. dont ask me ever.. and thats a warning... this will never unfold.. from the 'horse's mouth' .. i might end up confusing you yet not confusing;p... for i have a tendency to wear masks all the time... very few are acquainted mind you acquainted not befriended the real me... the darkness and the honesty is too much to handle... as well as the purity of innocence and the devilish pursuits.. they all form the 'me' ...

bottom line.. dont ask me who , what , where... you will never know who it is... that emotion is for someone who forms a significant part of my life.. yet hides in various persona's ive shared a few preciously beautiful moments...

but its a beautiful feeling... its filled my heart back with 'a heart';p... something i felt was injured and a big black hole was the only indicator.. but yes its healed.. and doing quite well now... my carefreeness is coming back... i can feel those butterflies yet again... i can feel that love and more importantly the ability to love back.. sigh im so proud of myself.. able to write that word .. dat old devilish word called love again.. i can feel my mind buzzing with the tune and lyrics of Alison Moyet's That Ole devil called love again'.,,, damn im just gonna paste the lyrics here.. truely describe my feelings at this point of time...

It's that ole devil called love again
Gets behind me and keeps giving me that shove again
Putting rain in my eyes, tears in my dreams
And rocks in my heart
It's that sly old son of a gun again
He keeps telling me I'm the lucky one again
But I still have that rain
Still have those tears
And those rocks on my heart

S'pose I didn't stay
Run away wouldn't play
The devil what a potion he would brew
He'd follow me round
Bill me up
Tear me down
Till I'll be so bewildered
I wouldn't know what to do

Might as well give up that fight again
I know darn well he'll convince me that he's right again
When he sings that sorry song
I've just gotta tag along
With that ole devil called love

He'd follow me round
Bill me up
Tear me down
Till I'll be so bewildered
I wouldn't know what to do

Might as well give up that fight again
I know darn well he'll convince me that he's right again
When he sings that sorry song
I've just gotta tag along
With that ole devil called love

With that ole devil called love
.....so true.. simplifying my situation now... but trust me i thank for i have tasted this rare poison yet again and that too in a lifetime...

ive loved yet again... and let go;.... and thats been a healing for me... never accepted it ,, never confessed it... but i know he knows... it just its not meant for this point of time.. i do not know if it ever will be acknowledge, accepted or said... but im happy in this state... no i dont year for illusion ,.. its the birth of the feeling, and the enriching brightness that this feeling is getting on to me.. yes im being practical with love... you know it,.. you feel it you move on... not letting it haunt you but enjoying its presence for this moment:)...this definitely doesnt end here.. and i dont want to give away the mystery ............not yet...;p