Memoirs of our modern damsel

Let me introduce you our leading lady...Unlike the usual 'I'm attempting to be mysterious just to be trendy' our stereotypical hopelessly romantic protagonist, Ridhhima is a self absorbent lazy tomboyish girl completely open and public about what she actually believes in... Mystery? There is nothing mysterious , nothing uniquely attracting about her... Just a simple randomly lost girl.. There.. few words and fewer syllables to describe the lady..


Born in a fake inheritance.. Wait.. I'm completely aware of the next question.. 'Fake inheritance' now whatever does that mean? Well its a modern just popped up term describing a person who may publically be considered elite but the actual story is subtly visible behind the curtain crease.

The eldest of the two girls born in a now joint now neutral set up. Ridhhima attempts to find love ...This is her version of what love is about.

If the picture was worth holding on to...An introduction.

Ever wondered how a song can completely describe an event.. a moment.. a memory ... a relationship?how about a time when it hits you that it actually described the entire relationship??? please excuse me for attempting to write and describe such a relationship from two different point of views.. but i believe sometimes one fails to see the obvious... So here goes... a giant step to write something close to the author and much closer to the person described...Mind you.. this is not a writing a factual event but a combination of series of relationships to describe two different characters evolving over time...

This journey.. not focussing on the duration, or the motive.. but the birth , the death and the resurrection if you please... to the final end.. attempts to describe and capture the most honest feeling felt by a broken heart, a shattered hope and a loving one could describe...So, let me try taking you to a journey.. i call and called love...

when you meet unconditional love yet again;p

Sigh!!!!.. after all these years... of running away..suddenly its just around the corner.. who could imagine .. like they say its a small world.. damn right.. it is.. situation remains the same yet the 'feeling' changes it:)...its a miracle and a blessing to feel, enjoy and hold unconditional love in a lifetime.. and these complete me.. fill me with the blissfulness of support.. of love.. of companionship.....

three persons , three time frames,,, three relationships.. each unique in its own way ... yet each there for the right reasons... but yes two have blossomed into wonderful comfort zone.. that fills my life with happiness, and the most cherishable moments... one gave the complication, yet the hope.. the wavelengths.. yet the tide...but there's one that made me respect the person every day.. and actually transfor back to my senses:)... there isnt a lack of love.. its just hard to find...

So talking about these three 'phases' actually two beautiful timeframes and one 'phase'... im finally opening up with what they were to me.. how they completed me and what they mean to me at this point of time...

The first one relates to a person that made me so special, so comfortable ... so platonic;p... sad but true... i tried reciprocating the feeling but the problem was that ' i was trying'.. it wasnt something coming naturally to me... more on that later... there's much more to that then what i can pen down tonight.

confession 3- accepting singlehood

god... with heights of emotions,.,. and guts of moment.. i hearby declare .. that im definitely gonna die single......when relationship was an option , i wasnt ready.. and now when i am, there are no men..... I cant bring myself to find someone.. as if its a pair of shoes...despite being told find go out .. where the f*^k do i go out .. here.. in the middle of nowhere? even when i was in a palce where i did.. i still didnt see it coming... whats wrong with me?im sick of it.. im sick of facing it.. im sick of keeping a straight... the way things are going ill definitely turn sick................

sleepless yet again...

Its fun to get back to your work... completes you, keeps you on your toes... and shapes you.. believe it or not..sometimes what you run away from might be destined to meet at the most unlikely corner... After spending almost a whole day and night on todays poa... phew! im exhausted... but yes satisfied... happy with a decision to face and overcome these fears... elated to conquer some , accept some and embrace others... the only problem is Im ending up thinking of work the minute i land in my bed.. heck am i actually having work as a partner now????strage but true... is hard working replacing something thats lacking... mmm a thought to ponder over for a few days... some say dont do too much, look busy, show lesser productivity and take more time... yet diplomacy win.,. maybe i have an unrealistic approach .. i would let work speak, initiatives and poviding help to others be a lesson for learning and gathering more knowledge and having a good mix of diplomacy yet sgtrong beliefs,.. its not just about voicing your opinion.. its about voicing it to the right person at the right time... sigh! this post truly reflects that gtangy;s back to the grind... ;p... but yes ive loved writing.. writing anonymously... writing like a free bird.. no one to question no one to think about... just expression just emotions carefully threadied in tangled webs:)

thats me in a corner:)

the unsaid words...

Sometimes words are the outlet but unfortunately they dont reach the source... what/who/why question arises when the blame game begins... and this game is between your mind, soul, heart and the words that reach your mouth... my education in psychology enhances my knowledge about verbal and non verbal language.. trains me to experiment, understand and study human behaviour.. but alas.. what about studying the reasons that makes the moment, that influences the decisions, the circumstances or even the surroundings... if this could pass off as another revelation then so be it... yes im attempting a love letter.. by someone who doesnt believe in it...and yet someone who has felt it and lived every bit of it... maybe this is a transition..maybe this is a compilation.. or maybe maybe maybe its an attempt at capturing a moment... so here goes...


My dear beloved......oh my god im so lame at this.... still a virgin at penning love thoughts;p.;p;p.. well first time's the best;p, hopefully..haa ive left sex and the city's episode to write this .. this better be worth it;p..


phew!!!!!! here goes


when i look at your eyes ... i see something hidden.. could i be in sync with my mind saying that maybe its completely over and we've moved on to another comfort zone.. or is the heart right... saying that there are certain words that were just released in sighs.. slight hidden dimples... a crooked smile;p... well maybe i rather escape to a self created fantasy.. where the latter wins over... but yes thats what i believe in,... something still holds me back.. yet practicality sets in.... but then what is this practicality .. is it following the heart and trusting the instinct and enjoying the wait and watch... or on a completely negative result... clinging on to a hopeless hope... but then im a fool in love.. there's no negative i see in you...


my forbidden fantasy or a more politically correct term is this...


you: ( with a twinkle just near the conjunction  with those expressive eyes.). im trying not to... i shouldn't ... maybe i could.. maybe thats not the right word but then what is it....'


me: i know.. i understand.. if a relationship is what i call it.. ive learnt it the hard way.. not to compare ..not to expect it to be a traditional or even a conventional one... just be ours.. where time joins us, separates us, loves us, hates us.. yet doesnt let each other go...but then i need a sign


you: giving a sign would not be justified.. confessing would leave a pain ... these tears will dry away baby... atleast they might not become the permanent ones..


me: why do you think its permanent? or will be? why do feel it wont when we havent given it a shot...
why do you pre- assume.. if there's such a word..


you: because i know it.. things will come when time is right.. things will flourish when they have to.. i can develop things i can control...... not this... its not ...whats in my hands


me: what is in your hands.. how do know how tomorrow will be... how will you know what can be controlled.. what is holding you back


you: maybe its all your imagination.. maybe you havent realised there's nothing more... maybe like you described this is your fantasy.. you can write and assume what you want .. and maybe your not even on my agenda...


me: ive thought that.. but deep down i know there's a feeling ... its not being stupid its not being irrational.. yes its a gut feeling but its more than that... i can wait... how i do not know ... till when i do not know.. but i believe there is an 'us'..im no longer concerned with when .. i want to enjoy this moment with you... for a change i want to let go.. expose my vulnerable side ... be with you... take that chance... everytime i stop myself from writing or saying your name... there's hope there's joy there's love... i cant be that foolish can i..


you: what do you want? why cant you be sensible


me: dont you ever think i want to be sensible.. maybe this is the sensibility in me.. im not clinging.. i just want to feel whats in your mind and heart.. maybe your not confused and maybe im completely wrong.. but if im right im there for you... ive loved you... i will always do... i dont want to change you .. i just want to cherish being with you this moment... i need to complete this conversation... i need you to complete me.. even if it take years or an entire lifetime.... i need you.. please let me say these things for the last time... please let me confess in you...................

heck.. is it you again????????

they say revisiting is not good.. reliving is a silent death.. eating up every moment, every bit of feeling left... did i make the wrong choice... then ..why does it come back ...maybe ..oh wait.. i confess living in a cocoon called illusion.. hoping not wait not hoping.. actually believing that i wasnt wrong... and this time its not just well the fact .. sigh i just cant reveal it.. the heart doesnt let me.. actually its the mind;p.... the heart wud hv probably made the situation worse..

maybe this is a modern love story... a pursuit of purpose and a feeling when all practicality indicates no scope.. no future.. no love.. but well its my dream its my feeling its my love... its about me... this is what i love not only desire... this is it...............maybe im a fool .. but a fool i rather be than adorning a mask of busy-ness;p.. hahaaaa// thats an original.. but yes you get one life to live....and im enjoying capturing every moment in my cocoon of feelings, emotions and releasing the rays via simple words:)

untitled

surprisingly i move on to the untitled phase...
from unwritten to untitled???.. well thats the first of its kind.. damn im so moody... and as usual dont know the reason why:(...wish i could just pause the moment.. but hey is it worth pausing?
wish i could just live the moment... yes thats the key.. but the problem is how??? like Oogway (Kung Fu Panda) once said...
..
'Your mind is like this water my friend. When it is agitated, it becomes difficult to see. But if you allow it to settle, the answer becomes clear'

Its true... the mind wants everything or does it really... it behaves irrationally rational.. calmly restless... focusing on what will be...

I need to start living the moment.. and making this moment a special one.. cherishing each breath, support, comfort, relationship , opportunity and dream.. i need to give it a chance.. and make use of the second chance i have... i accept making these hurdles and am guilty of not giving it my 100%.. but im also a day wiser a month later.. and year lost.. but yes if i dont make the mistake how will i know its repercussions.... i need to say it ..for the last time... but yes... i need this now

does it have to be written

mmmm is it destiny?
ive stopped believing in that...
thats when ive started enjoying the moment..
the moment with you...
seconds say the stories, minutes thread them together,.......
sometimes its the in between silence that works.......
you still make me smile..
a kind that no one can...
a pinch of ecstasy... a drop of charm.. a twinkle of freedom..
its such a special feeling
maybe when i reach that stage.. of looking back
and cherishing that moment...to get the spark right back into my aging eyes...
when you hold my hand... its not assurance i seek
its that second that i t to hold on to...
enjoy its warmth enjoy it being mine...
no one can take that away from me
or even that whiff of your left fragrance..that lingers on
or the silly accidental recordings that are left on my phone...
that I discover days later...
sometimes i laugh about it.. thinking where we've reached now...
without any commitment.. without any name to it...
the written hasnt been written yet...
and thats the beauty of it

thats the mystery... that i enjoy engulfing...
wish i could say some words there and then...
but its the lil wishes, the minute seconds i end up capturing...
leaving me breathless and well at a loss for saying it'

wish those 3 words would say it all..
but it cant... thats too cliche thats too quick...
i dont believe in them...
but hey i believe in you...
the instinct is right the moment says it all.. no matter how many battles need to be fought

ill remember it .... ill remember you:)

are we beyond the intoxicating blues?

that last bit of fragrance
lingering in your mouth..
a burnt out stubb
for some a turnoff?
mmm.. it lingers on lingers on
arousing the senses.. with the flake of gold
or was it a cut beyond description
and more importantly beyond tolerance...
damn it .. it lingers on linger on
that fear of touch ..
hoping it wont go beyond acceptance..
slittering towards acceptance
crawling in an embrace...
wait that hangover is still there..
the rottenness ..
i desire to accept
but the mind desires to withdraw
cant use the uselessness

cant accept the pleasure
its going rotten
its going away
its fading beyond reach
its empowering the past rendezvous
i try to acknowledge
i try to forgive
i try to enchant
yet the power kills the bait
the nutshell is vanishing
but the forgetness isnt
the hankering .. i worship
that what makes it magical
but at the same time deadly
it reaches out clasp
more like thorns
rather than the invigorating petals
beyond the
the intoxicating blues...
i seek
to fulfill and complete that drug there
heck its lost its purity
more importantly its depth
promise wont thread it
hopes wont glue
its the blues.. they need to show their loyalty
to complete the serpant's dance......................................