Back to senses....?

Minutes ago...i finally managed to face my biggest fear till date... opening up to mum about my flaws.. acknowledging them and confessing to her.. its been very difficult for me to keep a strong persona.. a strength to fight all odds.. don't get me wrong.. there are no doubt millions of people in much worse scenario and my problem are so minute compared to what they are going through.. but still they are there.. and I'm fighting a battle to keep up the never give up attitude and strength to work out a solution.. surprisingly 'solution' has now emerged as a very subjective word...talking to maa made me brave enough to face them but also to accept them... but it was only when she accepted them was i taken aback.. not because as a mother she would give me her support but because for once I could feel her losing that faith in me.. its killed me completely ... hearing those words ' maybe our upbringing has failed to survival of the the fittest battle'... that was it.. that was the moment i felt what I have I done.... where did i go wrong.. was this a feeling she had held back so many years... to encourage me to follow my heart... and live my life.. have i really failed her?... Ok i admit Im really having a rough phase.. unable to see any light forget differentiating the light alone... but at this point I'm undoubtedly being selfish... its always about me .. always,,..,intentionally or unintentionally... but it is.... I'm not concerned with justifying this behaviour with seeing and stating many others indulge in this... Its only accepting it and embracing these faults in me......

There was a time when I used to work with 'I don't care a fuck' attitude.. pardon the abusive content... but thats how bluntly I felt...
Maa i haven't failed. I've just managed to lose the strength for a while.. sometimes i really cant keep a brave face.,.. and i do breakdown... but that does not mean I've regretted anything... I enjoy what I do.. its the multi-tasking that kills me...I want my own space.. that is my priority... Im not sorry for anything... Its not sympathy I seek... I haven't been brought up .ill fight the tough way ....heck even if it kills me.. my talent is my strength... my patience my solitude... my writing my expression... my tears my emotional release...

My kid sister's was telling me that why am I even bothered about anything or anyone else .. is what made me realise that's the 90% of the problem... which unconsciously was troubling me.. that expectation to receive support .. when ur done away with it.. it feels so free... being on your own.. surprisingly I've never depended on anyone till I came here.. and here it was very unintentional though i was looking for someone to provide that emotional support... ultimately your are your own best friend.. only you can talk sense into urself... and sometimes being selfish does pay... its done till date .,. only when i started being the giving sorts did it backfire... now no more... my priorities are the most important thing right now.. i haven't failed her till date and yes ive made mistakes been stupid and unpractical.. but hey I've never hurt or stepped on anyone... that's my achievement....

I am a slow learner.. but I am a learner not an escapist... I need to stick to that...:)... Few people who made me realise the potential in me... have made me come in sync with things I thought Ill never be able to do... And I guess that never say die attitude is what I owe to myself and them as well...... Time is the matter... just give it time.. and lots of patience:)